Grieving is Not a Competition

There are so many kinds of grieving. You may be grieving the death of a loved one, a pet, a breast, a job, or you may be experiencing anticipatory grief for a loved one who is ill or aging.

Grief is not a competition.

There is no hierarchy of grief. Some people are grieving the loss of a spouse or the loss of a child or the loss of a sibling or parent. Everyone's grief is individual, and there is no value in comparing.

If you have an ill or aging loved one, or a loved one who has died, listen to this week's episode for 8 ways to honor your own grief and avoid comparing it to the grief of others.

Your wellbeing matters.

Dr. Delia

Delia Chiaramonte, MD

P.S., Now available as an audiobook: Coping Courageously: A Heart-Centered Guide for Navigating a Loved One’s Illness Without Losing Yourself 

Coping Courageously: A Heart-Centered Guide for Navigating a Loved One’s Illness Without Losing Yourself is available here: www.copingcourageously.com 

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Integrative Palliative Podcast, where we bear witness to both the tough stuff and the blessings that come with caring for people who are aging or ill. Their well-being matters, but yours matters too. I'm your host, Dr. Delia Chiaramti. Welcome, friends. So I'm in New York right now, which is where my dad, who recently died, used to live, and I brought with me some of the parting stones that we had made, which are stones made from his ashes. And I went to Central Park, which was one of his most favorite places, and I threw some of them into the brush, under trees, in places that I think they'll be hidden and probably stay for a long, long time. And it felt good, on the one hand, to bring him back to the place where he lived his entire life, and that made him happy. Now, also, it was hard. It was hard coming on the train. It was hard coming up the escalator into Moynihan train station. It was hard going out into the city because I associate this place so much with my dad. And if you've been listening, you know that he took his own life recently because he was getting ill and didn't want to decline. And that it's been a really heartbreaking time for me and for my family. But the topic we're going to talk about today is that grief is not a competition. And let me tell you why I chose that topic. Because, well, it's been a few months since my dad died. And it's been a really hard few months for me. Lately, I've been kind of beating myself up about it because, well, he was older. People lose their parents. Kind of get over it, right? Kind of get over it. And also tragic things have happened. People lost children in floods in Texas recently. I have a friend who very recently lost someone incredibly dear to her, a loss that's really going to change her whole life. And a part of me was saying, well, you don't have the right to grieve anymore. Yours isn't as bad as that. And it got me thinking how much we do that to ourselves if we're grieving, and how much a little bit we might do it inadvertently to other people in society kind of ranks grief. And I think we should fight against that. And I want to say, forget that grief is not a competition. Everybody's grief is their grief. And it has nothing to do with anybody else's grief. So how does this show up? How do we compare our own grief and how does society or other people compare our grief? People might say things like, well, at least you got to say goodbye. X other person didn't get to say goodbye. And the implication in there is that, well, yours isn't as bad because you got to say goodbye. Or my loss is worse because it was sudden. Or maybe people give the impression, or you give yourself the impression, that you weren't a close enough relative to really grieve. Well, you were, you know, you were just their niece. I was their daughter. Now, is that daughter having tremendous grief? Of course. But does that mean that the niece doesn't get to feel their grief and honor their grief? No, it doesn't. I'm standing behind this idea. Everybody's grief is their grief. And for them, it is the biggest grief. And what somebody else is feeling in their grief has nothing to do with that. And, you know, I experienced this myself. It even comes up when the the creature that you lose is not a human. Well, you know, she was just a dog. And on the one hand, sure, losing a very close human loved one probably has a level of intensity that not everybody feels when their dog dies. But some people do. Dogs or cats or bearded dragons or other animals can become completely integrated members of the family. And these are creatures that you see every day. So when they die, your life feels different. And for people who are very attached to their animals, I experienced this myself, this is a legitimate, big, real life-changing loss. But you may feel from society that you're not really allowed or you shouldn't have that level of grief because, oh, it's just an animal. And the comparing that I just did for myself was, oh, well, you know, my dad was in his 80s, he lived a good life, and losing a spouse would be so much worse. And yes, on the one hand, that's probably true for a person who loses a spouse. But for me, this loss of this really deeply important person in my life is a full and whole, legitimate loss that has nothing to do with anybody else's loss. So there's no need to compare and say that this loss is less because someone else's loss is more. And of course, we hear all the time, oh, nothing is as bad as losing a child. And interestingly, I spoke to an older person recently who had lost his spouse. And he was telling me about the depth of pain and grief that he experienced from that loss and how life-changing it was, how horrible it was. And then his child got cancer, adult, adult, I think, in their 40s. And he said that people told him that losing a child was going to be so much worse than losing a spouse. And he shared that that was not his experience, which is not to say that he didn't love his child, of course he did, and he shared that of course I did, and not to say that that statement about losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to you is wrong, but just to say that everybody's individual grief is their individual grief, period. And we can't know what it is and what we think doesn't matter, and there's no benefit to putting judgments on it at all because that's all fake, because people experience what they experience, period. So I'm just here to say that grief is not a competition. Your grief is your grief, period, full stop. Other people's terrible grief does not make your grief any less impactful. And it does not make my grief any less impactful. You deserve to feel your grief however you feel it, and so do I, because we're all humans and we all have powerful emotions and we all experience loss in a different way. And competition and comparison has absolutely no business being in this space, period. So why do we even do this? Why do we, as a society, as people, why do we compare grief? I would say that we compare everything. We're just wired for comparison in general. We compare your house versus my house, your job versus my job, your clothes versus my clothes, etc. It's a habit. It's not a helpful habit, but it's a habit. And in general, comparison just causes distress. It doesn't make anything better. Whether we're comparing and we think we came out on top, well, that's not respectful of the other person. Or if we think they came out on top, then we feel badly about our own situation. So it's a good idea for all of us to check ourselves and if we find ourselves comparing, to do our best to do a little thought stopping and notice it and you know, put up our hand and say, stop. I'm not going to be doing that comparing anymore because it's not good for the other person, it's not good for us. Why are we doing it? I think many societies, including the one I'm living in, tend to have an unspoken or sometimes spoken hierarchy of which loss we think is the worst. So child maybe being the worst, spouse maybe being next, maybe next is someone dying young. And we tend to decide that, well, if elderly people die, well, maybe that's less stressful or less terrible. Or if a pet dies, maybe that's less stressful or less terrible. But truly, it's not true. It's not true. It depends. It depends on the person. It depends on the connection you had with that person or creature. It depends on a whole lot of things that are nobody's business except the person who is dealing with the loss. And the hierarchies are just fake, honestly. Maybe you deeply grieve one parent and not the other. Maybe the sudden death of a spouse ends up being worse than the death after a long illness of an adult child. Maybe you were closer to your friend than your sibling and the loss hurts more. There just aren't rules and everybody's different. And so your grief is your grief, period. And comparison is not only not helpful in theory, it really makes your coping worse. So it's invalidating, of course, which can make you feel shame. So if you feel a powerful emotion, but you're comparing yourself and saying, well, but those people, you know, lost their children, that's so much worse. So I shouldn't feel what I'm feeling. That makes you feel not only shamed, but isolated. And it can prevent you from reaching out for help. Because if you feel, well, I don't really deserve to feel this depth of grief. I shouldn't feel this depth of grief. It can make you kind of embarrassed or too judgy of yourself to reach out, which can actually make grief worse. So it's it's not only not helpful, it is actively harmful. So we all need to stand up for our grief. We need to stand up for our grief. Notice when that comparison voice shows up, like, oh, but those people lost their children in the flood, how terrible. So so I should stop grieving or I should grieve less. It's completely ridiculously unhelpful. Both things are true. Other people can have horrible losses, horrible grief, and our feelings are also valid. So we can speak to ourselves like we would to a grieving friend. What would we say to a grieving friend? I would say your grief is your grief, and everybody else's grief has nothing to do with you. And if someone invalidates your grief by saying something like, Well, you know, it's been a year, aren't you kind of over it by now? That's a nice sentence to keep in your head. My grief is my grief, period. So easy for me to say, just stop comparing. What are some things that you can do if you find yourself comparing in your head and trying to invalidate your own grief? And the first thing is just to name that comparison voice and then talk back to it. Like I see you trying to compare my grieving to someone else's grieving and trying to invalidate me. And I'm just going to say to you, comparison voice in my head, I feel what I feel, and my feelings are okay. Or just, I feel what I feel, back off. So number one is just to name it, just to notice that it's happening and call it out. Number two is I think journaling can sometimes help. Why are you comparing? You can give yourself questions to answer in your journal, like, am I afraid that my grief isn't valid? Do I feel unseen or unsupported? Where can I get validated and supported in my feelings of grief? Why am I comparing my grief? Do I feel like I don't deserve it? I don't deserve to grieve. You might journal, what do I need right now? And I love this question. If I honored my grief instead of measuring it, what would I do differently today? So number two is journaling. Number three, I like this metaphor of different rooms in one house. So if you're seeing other people grieving, and other people are grieving either differently than you, or they're grieving a different loss from you, you can think of it like we're all grieving in different rooms of the same house. Some rooms are loud, some rooms are quiet, some are dark, some are filled with family photos. You're in one room with your grief. Other people can be in different rooms that look different, that feel different, but those rooms are not your business because you're in your room. And one room is not better or more worthy than another room. So number three is you can imagine this different rooms metaphor. Number four is you can witness instead of compare. So I see that she's hurting, I'm hurting too. I witness her hurting, and I witness me hurting. Their pain is hard for them, my pain is hard for me. It's really just noticing without judgment. Just this is what is happening for you, this is what is happening for me, and that's it. Witness instead of compare. That's four. Number five, you can identify some myths around grieving because sometimes when you look at a myth, it loses some of its power. So some of the myths that I can think of are there's a right way to grieve. There's not. Sometimes people compare not just whose grief is worse, but who's grieving properly. You know, why isn't that person crying? I'm crying, it's so terrible. Why aren't you crying? Did you not love them? Or why have you gone back to work so quickly when, you know, I can't even function? And you could compare in either direction. You could say, you don't seem like you love them that much, or you could say, I must be falling apart and you are more stable than me. Neither of those are helpful comparisons. So another myth is that these grief hierarchies are real, like the loss of a child is worse than a spouse, is worse than a sibling. That's BS. No, it depends on the family. Nobody can determine what somebody else's grief is. There's for sure a myth that the more you cry or show distress, the more you loved them. Absolutely not true. Maybe the person who is being silent is the most impacted. So no comparison there is relevant at all. I grieve how I grieve, you grieve how you grieve, and you have no idea what I'm feeling, I have no idea what you're feeling, and that's fine. We're just witnessing you're hurting, I'm hurting, that's it. And related to that, maybe is there's a myth that some ways of grieving are better than other ways of grieving. And other than getting depressed and not getting help, which I think is not a not healthy because of course depression is potentially life-threatening and we have things that can help. So that would be the only one that I would say, not that it's a worse way to grieve, but that it requires help. But other than that, how you grieve is how you grieve. If you need to back off from all your responsibilities to get yourself together, fine. If you need to dive into work to distract yourself, fine. There is no better or worse way to grieve. So number five was we can identify these myths around grieving, shine a light on them so they lose some of their power. Number six is you can tap into your creativity. I've been doing that and it's helped me. You can draw your grief or feelings related to your grief. I made a collage where I drew a face and on the bottom put the words, it's complicated because it is complicated. The the way that my dad died, on the one hand, I completely honor his autonomy and his right to decide when and how he leaves this earth. On the other hand, it's heartbreaking the way he chose to do it. So it's complicated. So that putting that on something I could see with those words, and I keep it up and look at it, it's validating. It helps me grieve. So you don't have to have any skill. You can just do collage, you could do sketches, you could do a grown-up coloring book. But tapping into creativity is a different part of the brain, and it helps sometimes to express yourself in a way that isn't about your frontal lobe, isn't about your language. And sometimes that can help you tap into something that's healing. So number six is tapping into your creativity. Number seven is honoring someone else's grief. So when comparison comes up, you could light a metaphorical or real candle for the other person's grief and also for yours. So honoring someone else's grief can open space for you to honor yours too. And I think that's an important thing to think about because we might think, well, if I think about their grief and how terrible it is, then that means I don't have the right to grieve. But that's completely untrue. You can honor them and their grief and then honor you and yours too. And if someone that you know or someone you see on the news has had a really catastrophic loss, it may help you not compare to spend a moment honoring them. But then be sure you also honor yourself. It puts you guys on the same team, solidarity and connection over comparison. And then number eight is create a personal grief affirmation. I like my grief is my grief. But you could say, I don't need to explain my grief, or I feel what I feel, or my grief is real, or whatever else. Even if you never say that to another person, having that little phrase on the tip of your tongue to say to yourself if you ever notice comparison or feel comparison coming your way can give you back a sense of power and remind yourself that your grief is your grief and you have permission to feel it, how you feel it, and you aren't doing it wrong, and there's no timeline that's the right timeline. And also that grief is love. If you're grieving someone, it's because you love them. And that love is a blessing, even though the grief is hard. And by the way, all of this counts also for kinds of losses that are not just a person died. And the first one is anticipatory grief. So if you have someone in your life that is aging or ill, and you know that they're not going to be around forever, your grieving may start long before they die. And you also can grieve the loss of the person you knew even while they're still on earth. So if you have someone that you love who has dementia or who's lost function, who just isn't the same person that they used to be, there's huge grief in that. And that sometimes can feel invalidating. People can feel like they don't have the right to really grieve their loved one because the loved one is still on earth. But that's absolutely not true. We grieve people in advance. We grieve the loss of the person we used to know, if the person that's still here is not the same. These are all a hundred percent legitimate real grief experiences, and they don't need to be compared either. So just please know that when I'm talking about grief, I'm not just talking about a person died. I'm talking about losses of so many kinds. It can be your own loss. Maybe you've lost a breast or a limb or sexual function or a job or a home or a relationship with someone. All of these are losses. All losses have grief. So what you feel is what you feel. Your grief is your grief. Spread the word. Help me spread the word, but you spread the word too. Tell other people not to compare their grief. Give people in your life permission to feel what they feel. Validate them instead of comparing them. It's how we all help lift each other up. If you know someone who's grieving, please send them this episode. And it really would help me so very much if you wouldn't mind going to your favorite podcast place and leaving a review. It helps other people see my podcast so that I can help spread the word to more people, which is my passion and my goal. And thanks for being on the journey with me. I do coaching for caregivers. If I can ever help you or someone you know, please reach out through the website, integrativepalliative.com. Thanks again for listening. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. I hope you'll practice what you learned, and you can learn more from my book, Coping Courageously A Heart Centered Guide for Navigating a Loved One's Illness Without Losing Yourself, which is now available as an audiobook. You can join me for healing the caregiver's heart. And if you'd like more personalized guidance, you can reach out for Caregiver Coaching at integrativepalliative.com.