Zoom Funerals: How to Make a Powerful and Meaningful Service Without Leaving Your House

Zoom memorials or celebrations of life get a bad rap. They may be seen as a second class way to honor a loved one - far less meaningful than a standard funeral.

Let's rethink that narrative!

Having a celebration of life by Zoom can be a powerful and meaningful way to honor your loved one who has died. They are easier to plan and they allow far away friends and relatives to attend and celebrate your loved one.

This week on The Integrative Palliative Podcast I provide a practical roadmap for creating a Zoom funeral that is moving and healing.

Share with someone that you know who needs to hear this right now.

I'm here for you,

Dr. Delia

Coping Courageously: A Heart-Centered Guide for Navigating a Loved One’s Illness Without Losing Yourself is available here: www.copingcourageously.com 

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Integrative Palliative Podcast, where we bear witness to both the tough stuff and the blessings that come with caring for people who are aging or ill. Their well-being matters, but yours matters too. I'm your host, Dr. Delia Chiaramanti. Welcome friends. Today we're going to talk about creating a Zoom memorial service. Now, I had one of these for my dad, and it really was fantastic and it was meaningful, and people reached out to me afterwards and shared that they felt like they really got to know him, which was our intention. So I wanted to share this because I think when we talk about Zoom funerals, people tend to think about it as second best. Like during COVID, oh, we had, we couldn't have a real funeral. We had to do it by Zoom, as though it's necessarily a consolation prize or a second-class way to go about memorializing someone or celebrating their life. And my experience was not that. And I've since done a little bit of digging into this concept. And Zoom funerals, Zoom memorial services, Zoom celebrations of life, are becoming their own thing. And so I think it's important for us to talk about it. And the other reason that I think it's important to talk about it is that I have encountered several people in my life who, for various reasons, didn't feel up to creating a whole in-person memorial service, or perhaps it was during COVID or near after that, or maybe somebody in the family was sick and couldn't travel. And so the feeling that I got talking to some of these people is that, well, oh, well, we don't want to do a Zoom funeral because that seems, you know, yucky or substandard, but we just never got around to doing the real one. And so they did nothing. And I think that for some people, that can be a decision that they regret. So there are plenty of reasons, plenty of times, that an in-person large event is not feasible or desirable, but I want to throw out Zoom memorials as an equally valuable choice. So no one has to have a memorial service for their loved one who dies. So not doing anything is certainly an option. Doing a very small, just a couple people in the family thing is certainly an option. Having an in-person large funeral or memorial service is an option. And having a Zoom funeral or Zoom Memorial Service, Zoom celebration of life is a perfectly legitimate option. So let's talk about what that could look like. If somebody decides to do that, how might they go about it? So maybe the first thing to ask is why would you do that? Why would you choose a Zoom memorial service as opposed to an in-person service if you were planning to have some kind of service? Let's assume for a moment there's not a global pandemic and that's not the reason. Separate from that, why would you choose it? And I think maybe there's two largest reasons why people might choose to go this way. One is if there are people who might attend who are either across the country or across the world, who might not realistically travel to come to an in-person service, but would come to a Zoom service. So I think for most people who choose it, that's the primary reason. That's the reason that we chose it for my dad. But you could also choose it if you simply didn't wish to create an in-person service. It's more expensive, it's a bigger planning deal. It's more potentially emotionally taxing to have to get dressed up and greet a bunch of people in person. In-person services are generally somewhat longer than a Zoom service might be. So you might choose it because you want more people to be able to come who couldn't or wouldn't travel, or you might choose it because you just don't want to put on an in-person event. So first let's talk about preparing as you're thinking that you want to do a Zoom service. Think about what would you want to call it. Is it a funeral? Is it a memorial service? Is it a celebration of life? For my dad, we called it a celebration of life. And related to that is think about what is your intention, your why. Why are you doing this at all? Why? So for me, I wanted people to really get a flavor of my dad, who was a very private person, a really kind of unusual artist, wear is hair in a ponytail, introverted, unique, interesting kind of guy. I wanted people to get him, to get a sense of who he was. So that may be a goal that you want people who attend to get to know your loved one better. Another intention might be because it would feel healing for the family. That certainly was true for us. There is a witnessing component that that sometimes is very important, just that you want people to witness both the person's life, but also the loss of that person. So just sort of witnessing this wild experience that a person is here and then they're not here, and to witness the value of their time on earth. So I really recommend spending a few minutes thinking about what is the intention of this thing. Partly because that helps pump up the healing experience, but also because it will help you plan what it is that you want to do based on what you're hoping will come out of it. So the other thing to prepare is where will you host from? So who, where's the primary Zoom meeting going to be happening from? And the primary family, will they be together in the room? Meaning essentially they'll be taking turns sitting in front of the camera, or will they be in separate rooms on separate computers, which means their face will be part of the whole Zoom meeting? That's not something obviously you think about for an in-person funeral, but for Zoom it does make a difference. Does each person want to be their own square in the Zoom meeting, or does the family want to sit together? For us, the family sat together and we took turns in front of the camera. The other thing that you might want to do to prepare is think about, aside from the primary people who will be speaking and offering reflections and perhaps doing readings, are there people that you would like to give a heads up to in advance that when you open the floor to does anybody have anything they'd like to share? That a few people have already agreed, yes, when you do that, I will step up and share. Because what you don't want, of course, is to say, does anybody want to share? And you're on a Zoom meeting and nobody volunteers. It's always harder to be the first person. Once you have a person or two that are plants who are ready to share, it's easier for other people to share. Okay, so that's preparation. Now think about inviting people, invitations. Think about do you want this to be open to everyone or invitation only? This is important, particularly if you're going to use social media to let people know about this event. Because when you post on social media, if you make your posting public, anybody can see it. And if you were to put a link to the Zoom meeting, a link to the service in that, then anybody anywhere could attend. And maybe you want that, but maybe you don't want that. So if you're using social media to let people know about it, think first of all, are you only making that available to certain people who are your friends, or are you making it more publicly available? But more importantly, even is do you want to share the link in social media or not? So we did not, and I would recommend that you not. What I would recommend is that whether or not you post it as public, that in the description of this event, you say, contact me for the link. And so they can either contact you in direct message or they can send the email to you, or if they know you already have their email, they can just say, yes, I'd like the link. So that way it gives you control so that even though you're advertising it by social media, you're only sending the link to people that you specifically want to include. And then of course you can invite other people in person or by email. Now let's talk about the flow of what the actual event might be like. You'll have a time where you've opened the meeting and you're waiting for people to join. So it might be nice to have some sort of music during that time, because if it's just silent, that might feel a little awkward for you and for them. So when we did it, we had Italian music playing since that was important to my dad and our family. So think about that maybe three, four minutes where you've opened the meeting, you're waiting for people to join. What will be happening during that time? You could speak if you wanted to do that, recognizing that not everybody has joined yet, but it's probably easier for you if you just pick some sort of music that is playing during that time. The next time to think about is the opening. You'll want to welcome people, of course. You might welcome them with an explanation of what's happening. So we're here to celebrate the life of your person's name. You might choose to introduce the people who are managing the Zoom, so the primary family who's making this Zoom meeting happen, but you don't have to do that. It's nice to share the intention of what it is that you decided you wanted to do with this event. So we're here to celebrate the unique person that he was, or we're here to honor their life, or we're here to support each other, just to kind of bring the people on the Zoom into the story with you so that it's not as much that you're putting on a show for them, but we're all here together, and this is our intention for our time together. It can be very nice to ask people to share something in the chat. You can plan that in whatever way works best for you. We asked people to put a few words that they thought of when they thought about my dad. So you could do that, you know, put share some words that make you think about the loved one, or you could do anything you like. You could ask them to share well wishes for the family, you could ask them to share something that they're grateful for today, you could ask them to share some words of wisdom. And if it's something complicated like words of wisdom, maybe even in the invitation, you might mention that you're going to ask that so they have some time to prepare. But it's just a really nice idea to have people share something about the person that's gone or the experience of being together or their own feelings, just so that everybody feels engaged and also it gives a gift to you, the primary loved ones, as you get to read what people share. So that's the the pre-time and the opening. Now let's talk about what kind of flow might you plan for during the actual meet of the event. Here's some things that you might consider. You might have one and maybe multiple family reflections. In some more traditional funerals, maybe there's one eulogy, but it doesn't have to be like that. You can have as many people in the primary family who want to share, share. For us, there are four of us in the primary family, all four of us shared. You might consider a slideshow of family photos, maybe a slideshow with music. We did that. And if you do that, you would ideally want to prepare that in advance so that you don't have to stress about matching the music to the slideshow. So that's something that you can prepare in advance in a PowerPoint or other presentation and just click play and have that play during that time. So some sort of slideshow of pictures and music is lovely. If there's something special about the person to share, you might consider a slideshow of that. So my father, for example, was an artist, and in addition to our family slideshow, we had a slideshow of his art using his favorite kind of music, jazz, to share this special part of him with everybody else. You might include readings that are important to the person or important to you as a family. You might include prayers or songs, you might have a person sing, you might play recorded music, you might include a moment of silence to honor the person or to honor a cause that was important to them. You might include rituals like a candle. You might have chosen that in advance and asked everyone to bring a candle, for example. You might lead everybody in a guided imagery. And then the next thing that you want to think about, the last thing, is the closing. So we had a closing ritual of everybody giving a toast with a glass of red wine, which was my dad's favorite, and we had let people know that in advance that they bring a red drink, wine, or something else. And you might consider some closing words. So you want to think of the pre-time when people are joining, what's the opening and share the intention, what's the flow of the main body of the service, and then what kind of closing ritual and closing words do you like? So that's the structure. But let me share a couple tips with you. The first one is to be flexible. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about exact timing. Don't worry about if there are tech issues, which there will be. We had some, it's fine. What you're really looking for is to create some emotional kind of anchor points that are meaningful to you and bring the people in the Zoom in with you so that you're all sharing this feeling together. And it doesn't have to feel like they're separate from you. It really doesn't, even by Zoom. You can, with these emotional anchor points, like meaningful reflections from the family, like slideshows, like music, like asking them to share, put things in chat, like shared rituals. All of those are emotional anchor points that bring you all together. So as I mentioned before, I strongly recommend that you use the chat, both because it encourages audience participation, which brings everybody closer, and because it's something that you yourself can have. I encourage you to use multiple senses, right? Zoom meetings can be a little flat. So use videos, use music, use slideshows, and be multimedia, use touch, use smell. As I said, you can ask people to bring herbs with them or to bring a candle with them or to bring a stuffed animal with them or a smooth rock that everybody can touch at the same time. So think about ways that you can include different senses into the experience that you all share at the same time. It's a way to make even a Zoom meeting feel connected. Remember that the perfect is the enemy of the good. It won't be perfect. It's totally fine. Just don't stress about that at all. If you can't figure out how to unmute somebody, if the music doesn't work, it's completely fine. Don't get hooked on the details. What really matters is the spirit of the thing. So try very hard not to get freaked out by the tech or by things that that are glitchy. It is nice to engage the people who are attending in advance in some way. So as I mentioned, we asked everybody to prepare a red drink. We'd be drinking red wine in honor of my dad, but they could bring some red drink. You could ask them to bring an object that reminds them of the person or to share words of reflection or to light a candle, as I mentioned. So think about are there ways that you can engage them in advance, things that they can bring or prepare? These are the things that make it seem less like a Zoom meeting that they're attending and more like a connected everybody's in it together event. Definitely record the event both for you, so your for you and your family can watch it again if you choose to, but also because you can send it to people who couldn't attend. That's one of the blessings of having an event like this. If you miss an in-person memorial, you missed it. But a memorial done by Zoom, people can watch even if they weren't able to attend. And save the chat, save the chat, save the chat. We did not do that. We made a mistake. So I highly encourage you to save the chat for yourself. And then do make a plan for yourselves for what you will do after. Because in an in-person funeral, there's more of a gentle end. Maybe there's food afterwards or hugs from people that so you sort of wind down the event with a Zoom. Well, it's just suddenly done. When it's over, it's over. And so having some sort of plan for how to wind yourselves down afterwards can be very important. Just a few tech tips. Do a run through first. Make sure you know how to turn on the Zoom. Make sure that your slideshow that you prepared actually works. Have somebody else sign into the Zoom from another computer so they can pretend to be an attendee and make sure that they can hear everything, et cetera. So do a tech run through so that during the event you don't have to worry about that. You might consider having someone else run the Zoom. I did not do that, but I wish that I had. So that way you don't have to worry about turning things on and off and unmuting people, et cetera. Somebody else can do that for you. If you don't have that, it's fine. We did not, but if you have that, that might be a way for you to relax more into the experience and not feel like you have to be on tech duty. I suggest having a backup host in case the Wi-Fi fails in the primary person's house. If somebody else is the host and they could keep the Zoom meeting going, you could sign back in on your phone if your Wi-Fi went down. And then when you're doing a Zoom, you can have Zoom webinar, which means you can't see any of the other people, only they can see what you present. But I don't recommend that because that's not nearly as personal for you or anybody else. So I recommend that you run it as a regular Zoom meeting where you see the little squares of all the people that are there. And I also recommend, because you are recording this, if you have more than one page of people, flip through the pages a couple times so that you can see in the recording all the people who were there. This is for if you decide to go back and look at it again, you can remind yourself of all the people who were present. So just as a summary, what did we do for my dad's funeral? We welcomed everybody with Italian music. We had people put in the chat words that reminded them of him. I spoke about my dad. I talked about things like why he called himself no and oh. It's because he had been no no grandfather in Italian, but he said at a certain point, well, all the old men, all the old old Italian men are called Nono, and I don't want to be like everybody else. So from now on, you guys will call me no. And that spoke a little to the spirit of who he was as a person. Then one of his granddaughters spoke and shared that she and her no had sent quotes back and forth in Italian, and she shared a few of her favorites. So there was Italian spoken during the event, which was meaningful to us. Then we showed a slideshow of pictures of No with his favorite music, jazz. Then his other granddaughter shared, and she shared that she and her no had sent photos back and forth every week for years, and she shared a little slideshow of those photos. Then we invited others to speak, and we had arranged for a few volunteers in advance. Then we raised a glass of red wine, which was his favorite, and toasted his life. Now we did make a couple mistakes. We did not have someone else run the Zoom, which I think wish we had done that. We didn't plan a clear ending after that toast, and so we cut off abruptly, which I think was not ideal, and we forgot to save the chat. What did we do right? It was really heartfelt and real. We didn't get upset with tech issues or there were some awkward transitions, we didn't let it bother us. We said in the beginning that all emotions were welcome, so laughing or tears or anything else was all welcome. And I felt like we legitimately communicated the unique spirit of him, and that was the feedback that we got from other people later, which was very meaningful to us. And we recorded it so that we were able to share it with people who couldn't come and we can watch it again ourselves. So, given my own experience and what I've since read about since I got interested in this topic, I think we should put Zoom memorials, funerals, celebrations of life into the legitimate options for ways to honor somebody in our lives once they have died. So if you've done this yourself, reach out to me through my website, let me know what you did, how it went, and if this is relevant for someone in your life. First of all, I'm sorry for them if that's true, but if this is relevant for someone in your life, please do share so that people may consider feeling inspired to do a Zoom service if they're not going to do an in-person service. All right. As always, thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate you. Let me know if I missed anything that I should add next time. Thanks for being here. Bye bye. Share the episode with a friend or on social media, write a review, and practice what you learned. And if you want to know when the next Healing the Heart of the Caregiver or Healing the Heart of the Healer program is starting, you can sign up at integrativepalliative.com.