Beyond the Urn: Creative Things to Do with Your Loved One's Ashes

After the death of a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to do with their ashes. In this episode of The Integrative Palliative Podcast we explore the many meaningful ways people can honor their loved ones by using their ashes in creative ways.

From stones to records to jewelry to coral reefs (and more), there are many ways to use your loved one's ashes.

Choosing a meaningful approach can help coping and grieving. 

Have a listen and let me know what you would add.

Take care of yourself,

Delia

www.integrativepalliative.com

Coping Courageously: A Heart-Centered Guide for Navigating a Loved One’s Illness Without Losing Yourself is available here: www.copingcourageously.com 

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Integrative Palliative Podcast, where we bear witness to both the tough stuff and the blessings that come with caring for people who are aging or ill. Their well-being matters, but yours matters too. I'm your host, Dr. Delia Chiaramti. We turned my dad into stones. They take a few months to get completed, and tomorrow I pick them up. So it got me thinking about what are all the things that we can do with people's ashes. So when I knew that my dad was going to be cremated and I went to the funeral home, all I really knew about before this experience was an urn. You pick an urn and you put your person in the urn. But oh my goodness, there are so many other options. So what I learned about at the funeral home that we decided to do, number one, was jewelry. So my two daughters and I each got a necklace that has a little bit of my dad's ashes in it, and my husband got a bracelet that has a little bit of my dad's ashes in it. But then also, because he was a sculptor and he sculpted in white marble, this idea that the funeral director suggested of turning part of his ashes into stones that usually, usually come out white, but she said it depends a little bit on the medication that people take, and sometimes they come out blue or other colors, so we'll see. But generally they come out as white stones. And I loved this idea because we can hold them and they're him. They go to a special place, I think in New Mexico, and they combine the ashes with this resin, and then it sits for a few months until it's ready. But really, those stones are him. So we have an urn that is a beautiful box that was made in Italy, and Italy is important to us. It was important to him, so that was meaningful. And then the other part of his ashes, other than the ones that have gone into the jewelry, will be these stones. So it got me thinking about what are all the things that people can do with people's ashes. Now, the most obvious thing that most of us know is you can get an urn, but even the choice of the urn is kind of important. There are modern-looking ones, there are ones that are more plain. For us, the fact that this box was made in Italy was important. So there can be meaning assigned to even what urn you choose, but that's sort of the standard thing that most people know. You cremate someone that you love, you pick an urn, their ashes go in the urn. Now, sometimes people scatter their loved ones' ashes, either all of them or some of them. And you can actually either bury the ashes or you can put them in a mausoleum sort of structure. That's kind of the three standard options. But it turns out that there are a lot of other creative options that you can choose that I didn't really know about, which is why I want to share it with you. So the first is Memorial Stones, like we're getting for my dad. The company that we used is called Parting Stones. I don't have any affiliation with them, but I thought I'd share that in case it's something that's of interest to you. Parting stones. They turn these ashes into solidified, smooth stones. And as I mentioned, for me, the idea that we'll be able to hold him, parts of him, and touch him as opposed to just looking at the urn that's on the mantle. That feels important to me. So that's one. You can have them made into stones. You can have jewelry of all kinds that contain small parts of your loved one's ashes. So there are necklaces, there are earrings, there are rings, there are bracelets for men and for women of all different styles. And also, I think I mentioned this before that I actually felt lucky. The funeral home asked me, do you want us to get your dad's fingerprint before he's cremated? Because we can send it to you and you can have it put on a necklace or something else. And so I did that. So I've been wearing his fingerprint around my neck. So that's another option. You can have cremates, cremated remains or cremes. You can have cremains made into diamonds or other colored gems and use that for the jewelry. And sometimes people like this because it allows you to keep them close to your heart. It allows you to bring your person with you throughout the day if you choose to do that. So memorial stones, jewelry, and other wearable sort of things. You can put the cremes in a biodegradable urn and plant a tree on top of it. So you can have their cremes help the growth of a new tree. That's another option. You can have cremains put into various kinds of art and sculpture. This may be particularly helpful for people who find solace in beauty or in creativity. You can commission a special piece in honor of your person from an artist and some specifics about what kind of art and creative things can you do with cremains. You can have cremains put into blown glass art. So the artists incorporate a little bit of the cremains into the molten glass, and then they can create parts or flowers within a paperweight sort of thing or a candle holder or an abstract sculpture. And they often use these kind of swirling patterns, and so the cremains will be part of that swirling pattern. So that's one option: balloon glass. You also can have paintings made with paint that includes some of your loved one's cremains. So artists will make original artwork, mixing some of the ashes into the paint. And it could be a picture of your loved one, it could be a landscape, it could be a family portrait. And if you do that, you can have this in your home and it won't be obvious at all that your loved one's cremains are within that painting, but you will know. You might choose to make sort of a memorial painting that includes not just the person's physical cremains, but also their favorite colors, their favorite places, their favorite animals, etc. Next, you can have ashes put into pottery or ceramics. So you could have an artist blend it into clay and make a bowl or a vase or a mug or a memorial sculpture. You could add quotes or hand-carved symbols that are important to your family as part of those ceramics or pottery. You can also have ashes put into clear resin, so embedded into the resin and make a paperweight or a wall hanging, a coaster, a jewelry tray, a watch tray, and you could have the artist add flowers or shells or fabric even from the loved one, some of their clothing, or sand from a favorite place that you've been together. So you can mix in the resin, the ashes, but also other things that are important and make a very personalized memorial, either sculpture or practical object. Some people have custom sculptures made where the ashes might be included in a hole in the sculpture. You could have it be a symbol that's meaningful, bird or a butterfly or a tree, or it could be a human figure. It could look like your loved one and have their ashes inside. It could be an abstract form and have a place to hold the ashes inside. And then there are some slightly weirder ones. You can have ashes pressed into vinyl records into actually playable records. You could add personal audio or music that was important to your loved one or a voice recording even, so they can be actual records. This next one I think is a little wacko, but it's allowed, apparently, in some states. You can have ashes integrated into a fireworks display. So cremation fireworks, sometimes called memorial fireworks or ash scattering fireworks, allow you to have kind of a joy-infused memorial service that sprays out fireworks that include cremes. I personally find that one a little creepy. And they have to be designed by pyrotechnic professionals, obviously. And they're not allowed in every state, but in some states they are. You can arrange to have your loved ones' cremains sent into space. On many space missions, there are a specific number of cremains that are allowed to accompany the ship. This one can be a little pricey. There's a company called Celestis, C-E-L-E-S-T-I-S. Again, I have no association with this company at all, but they do this and it starts at about $3,500. So if your person loved space or loved science or loved stars, this would be something that you might consider. This next one I also find a little creepy, and I'm not sure that I think it's a great idea, but there are people who incorporate ashes into tattoo ink. So you can have a tattoo with your loved ones, a small amount of your loved ones' cremains mixed into the tattoo ink. Obviously, this is deeply personal, it's permanent, it's not for everybody. You would want to research reputable providers, tattoo artists who do this. I'm not saying I recommend this. I don't, it feels to me like it could be risky, although I have no evidence to back that up. But I did want to share it since it is a thing that sometimes people do. You can have their ashes put in an hourglass, like a sand hourglass. And you can actually buy on Amazon hourglass cremation urns where you put the finest part of the ashes into this hourglass. You can do that yourself. It is worth saying that when you get somebody's ashes back, they're not all incredibly finely crushed. There sometimes are pieces in there that obviously you wouldn't want to include in the hourglass. Another option is coral reef memorials. So sometimes ashes can be mixed with the special environmentally safe concrete and placed in ocean reefs. And this can help rebuild marine ecosystems. So this would be great for an environmentalist, someone who loved the ocean, somebody who loved nature or animals. One of the companies that does this is called Eternal Reefs. So these are kind of permanent living legacies that memorialize the passing of your loved one and also preserve and protect the marine environment. So for somebody for whom that was really important, this could be a special way to memorialize them. You can have ashes put into memorial stuffed animals. So placed actually inside a teddy bear or other animal, maybe in a heart-shaped locket, sometimes people will do, but it doesn't have to be that. So this can be a comforting way, maybe especially for children, but not necessarily. Just a way to know that when you're hugging this animal on some level, you're also hugging your beloved person. You can have ashes made into glass marbles. So memorial marbles that can be carried in your pocket or used for rituals. I kind of like this idea. I think it's similar to the stones, that there's something physical that you can touch. So I think the idea here is to think about if you've lost someone and they are being cremated and you will have access to their ashes, what is the thing that would feel most comforting to you? Would it feel most comforting to bury them in a traditional cemetery? Would it feel most comforting to spread them in your person's favorite places or to have them on the mantle? Would it feel most comforting to have them in jewelry, to have stones or marbles that you can touch, to have their ashes help grow a tree or help marine life grow, to send them into space, to make them into a record? You know, I think it's important to think about what helps you cope, because of course this is not for the person who has passed. This is for the people who are left. And the other thing that I think is important to remember is that you don't have to pick just one thing. So for my dad, we made some jewelry. We have part of his ashes in an urn that's in the house, and then the other part went to these stones. And in general, when you make parting stones, if you use all their ashes, you get about 60 stones. So I'm anticipating we'll get about half of that. So think about what would feel comforting to you, what matches your loved one's vibe that that would make you feel like you're honoring them. What are their passions? What kind of legacy did they want to leave? What makes you feel connected to them or soothed or grounded? And the good thing is you don't have to decide right away. So if you get your loved one's ashes and they're in an urn, you can decide at any later time that you want to turn some of that into jewelry, that you want to turn some of them into a coral reef, that you want to make stones or marbles, you want to send them into space, you want to turn them into rings or two earrings or two necklaces to take with you. So just think about this is another way to help coping. Personally, I kind of like the idea of being creative around it and looking for a way that really honors your person that you lost and your family. So tell me if I missed any. Integrativepalliative.com. You can reach me through there. Let me know if I missed any other options, things that you've done or that you've heard about people doing, things that you think we should be able to do with cremains. I I think this is part of talking about it, right? It's part of just talking about the whole process, that when you lose someone, you may end up with their ashes, and that that doesn't have to be the end of the story that you just put it in some cabinet and then don't know what to do with it. That this can be part of honoring them, part of coping, part of grieving, part of loving them. So tell me what I missed, if there's any other options that you've done or that you've heard about. Thanks for being here. I really, really appreciate it. Take care. Share the episode with a friend or on social media, write a review, and practice what you learned. And if you want to know when the next Healing the Heart of the Caregiver or Healing the Heart of the Healer program is starting, you can sign up at integrativepalliative.com.