The Power of Permission When Times are Tough

When a loved one is sick and caregiving gets exhausting, it can be powerful to have someone give you permission to take a break.

Should you need their permission? Of course not. But the voices in your mind can be critical and bossy and insist that you continue to work or take care of other people until you're completely exhausted, stressed and depleted.

This week we discuss the power of permission when we offer it to other people and also when we offer it to ourselves.

What permission can you offer this week?

Delia 

Delia Chiaramonte, MD

Coping Courageously: A Heart-Centered Guide for Navigating a Loved One’s Illness Without Losing Yourself is available here: www.copingcourageously.com 

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Transcript

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Welcome to the Integrative Palliative Podcast, where we bear witness to both the tough stuff and the blessings that come with caring for people who are aging or ill. Their well-being matters, but yours matters too. I'm your host, Dr. Delia Chiramanti. So I'm about to leave for a family trip to Italy in about 15 minutes, but it got me thinking about something, which is permission. And that when you're caring for somebody, or you yourself, but let's say you're caring for somebody, either as a clinician or as a loved one, who is going through something tough, there's great power in permission. And now I know this from the inside, right? I was supposed to go to Italy in March to visit my daughter who's living over there for the year. But since I was in the midst of traumatic grief, it was hard to imagine going, but I was going to do it because I want to be there for my girls and I was going to do it. I didn't want to make it seem like I didn't want to go see her. She had just been home after my dad had taken his own life. The family gathered together. But what she did for me was she gave me permission not to go. It just seemed like too much at that time to make that kind of trip. And I was going to force myself, but she gave me permission and said, you know what, it's okay. That's so much right now. Let's not do it. We'll, you'll come visit another time. And today is the other time, which is what made me think of it. But thinking more broadly about permission, so many people gave me permission during this difficult time. Permission to take time off work, permission to extend deadlines for things that were due, permission to grieve, permission to cry. It might seem like why would you need permission for these things? But the fact is, if you are an uber motivated person or even a super caretaker of other people, you may not give yourself the permission to take care of yourself, to set boundaries, to back off, to take a break, to take a vacation, to hire some help, etc. And even though I'm generally a pretty self-aware and thoughtful person, I was not giving myself permission for a ton of things. And as soon as someone said, hey, you don't have to do that, or hey, why don't you ask for an extension? Or why don't you take a break? Or why don't you not go out with us tonight because it seems like today's a bad day? As soon as someone gave me permission, it was so much easier for me to do what was best for myself. And so God bless all the people who have given me permission in the last couple of months, but I wanted to share that so that all of us can give permission not only to ourselves, but also to other people. So if there's someone in your practice or someone in your life who's going through something hard, really think about what kind of permission can you give them? If they feel obligated to do something with you that you'd arranged in advance, maybe give them permission not to go. If you know they're working really hard and they have a deadline, maybe give them permission to ask their supervisor for an extension. If it seems like they're pushing themselves to do something that's hard for them to do and it's safe and okay for them not to do it, give them permission not to do it. So I had an interesting experience when I was in New York trying to manage my dad's affairs. I went to the bank because I had to move his money into an estate account. And the account manager said, What can I do for you? And I said, You know, I'm managing my dad's estate, and she started to tear up. And I said, Well, are you are you okay? What's happening? And she told me that she had just come from the hospital. She'd been there all night with her dad, who had had a stroke, and she didn't know what to do, and he was such an important part of her life, and she was terrified that he wasn't going to make it, but there were all these decisions to make. He was in the intensive care unit. And I don't know this woman. She's a stranger to me. But I gave her permission to take some time off work. And, you know, who am I to give her permission? I'm not her supervisor, but but what I did was give her permission to consider taking time off work, just as a human being giving permission to a human being that it is an okay thing to back off when you need to. And one of the things she said was, Well, I don't want to leave my team. You know, I want to always be here for my team, my work team. And what struck me there was, and I shared this with her, well, if you're going through something really tough personally and you model for your team, taking care of yourself when you need to, even though you're normally an incredibly hard worker, you give them that permission when it happens to them. You model for them how to be both a hard worker and a person who's there for their family and who takes care of themselves. So the thing that I think is interesting in that dynamic is part of her accepting that permission was finding a way to see it so that she could be both a hard worker and a good team leader and also someone who takes care of herself and takes care of her dad in this really difficult time. So when I offered her that permission, just as a human being, as a palliative care doctor, I give you permission to take off work. Ask your boss if you could take off some work time for this, you know, really difficult time in your life. And she said, Oh, actually, the the boss already said, take whatever time you need, but I wasn't going to do that. So I think that's such a great example of the obstruction, it was not, oh, I can't get off work. The obstruction was in her mind. Her boss had even said, sure, take off work. But she, in her mind, was feeling like, oh, I can't do that. Oh, you know, I'm a hard worker, oh, I want to be a good team leader, even though her heart was breaking and she was in tears. And so when I made that offer to her, she she cried and cried and said, Thank you so much, thank you so much. I I am gonna do that. I'm going to go talk to my boss. Thank you so much, thank you so much. We hugged. It was really an amazing moment because both of us were in that difficult space at the same time. And we had a very human moment of witnessing the other person's pain and offering support. So a corollary to all this, of course, of offering other people permission is what permissions can we offer to ourselves? So if you're exhausted, can you give yourself permission to rest? If you signed up to do something, but you really don't want to do it and you feel completely overwhelmed with how your life is going right now, can you give yourself permission to back out of it? If somebody asks you to do something and your plate is already overly full, can you give yourself permission to say, boy, I so wish that I could do that, but my plate's over full right now, so I can't take that on. I'm so sorry. Can you give yourself permission to do that? Can you give yourself permission to set boundaries with the people in your life? Maybe it's a coworker who's dumping things on you and you need to set up a boundary and say, no, I can't do that. Maybe it's a work environment that's sending you things on your day off and you need to set a boundary that says, this is my day off, and I'll respond tomorrow. Maybe it's a boundary with a child or children, teenagers at home saying, I really need you to do X thing. Or maybe it's with your partner that when you get home, you need a few minutes to chill out before they start talking to you about their day. So can you give yourself permission to take care of yourself in a way that you need? And of course, the first part of that is, well, what is it that you do need? So I think the first thing to ponder is where would it be helpful for me to give myself permission? So just before you even think about doing it, just think about what would that be? Would it be about work? Would it be about your own mind feeling that you have to be busy every second? Would it be your mind saying you have to be perfect? Can you give yourself permission to be imperfect because we all are? Is it with a particular person? Do you need to give yourself permission to set boundaries with a sibling or a parent? Is it something going on in your home? Do you need to give yourself permission to take some time just for you on the weekends or to take some chill time when you first get home from work? So what is it? That's first the question. What would help you if you gave yourself permission to do it? Just what is that? So that's one. What is it that would be helpful for you to give yourself permission to do or not do? Maybe you've always wanted to take a dance class, but you're worried that you'll look foolish, so you don't do it. So can you give yourself permission to look foolish? Who cares? Can you give yourself permission to take a painting class and be terrible? Who cares? So, what can you give yourself permission to do? What would fill your soul? What would lift you up? What would make your light shine brighter if you gave yourself permission to do it? That's one. Just what is it? And secondly, what are the words that you would use, either outside to another person or inside your head, that would allow you that permission? You know, can you say to yourself, for example, it's fine to take a painting class and suck? Could you say that? Or could you practice the words, I need some time when I first get home. So how about after about 20 minutes, I'll check in and we can talk about our day? Or maybe it's the words, I really need my protected time from work. So unless it's an absolute emergency, please don't contact me on my day off. So what are the words? What are the words you would say to another person or that you would say to yourself? Maybe even write them down. You're more likely to say them if you write them down. Maybe write it on a sticky note and put it on your desk or somewhere that you'll see it. Even if you're not ready to ask yet or use the words, identifying what you want permission for and formulating the words outside of your head onto paper is a great step in that direction. And then when you're ready, how about you manifest those words either to yourself or to somebody else? That's two. And then three, just because we all need to help each other get through this life, think about who can you offer permission to? Who can you offer permission to? And think outside the box. Maybe you can offer your teenager permission to be cranky sometimes. Maybe you can say, hey, everybody gets cranky sometimes. It's okay. I love you the same. You know, think about who in your life would benefit from some permission. Permission to do less, permission to go outside their box, permission to take a risk of looking silly, permission to take a trip that they really want to take, but they're afraid to take, permission to back out of things, permission to set boundaries. Who can you help by offering them permission, just one human being to another? So that's our thing to think about for the week. Permission for ourselves. Where do we need it? How can we get it? And what permission can we offer to other people to help their light shine brighter, to help fill up their soul? So if you're listening and you've offered me some permission in the last few months to help me get through this difficult time, please know that I am so incredibly grateful to you. You're helping me not just cope, but you're helping me to learn and you're helping me to grow. And my hope is that this difficult experience helps me to help other people. Putting good in the world really is the whole point. So thanks for being here. I truly love you all. You all fill up my cup, make my light shine brighter, and soothe my soul. Have a great week. Share the episode with a friend or on social media, write a review, and practice what you learned. And if you want to know when the next Healing the Heart of the Caregiver or Healing the Heart of the Healer program is starting, you can sign up at integrativepalliative.com.