Managing the Holidays When Someone Important is Missing

Holidays can be joyful times that bring you together with the people that you love. But what if someone is missing? 

Maybe your loved one has died, or maybe someone important to you can't join you for the holidays this year. How do you balance grief with expectations of holiday joy?

This week I discuss how to cope with the holidays when someone you love won't be with you.

In support and gratitude,

Delia
Delia Chiaramonte, MD
www.integrativepalliative.com

Coping Courageously: A Heart-Centered Guide for Navigating a Loved One’s Illness Without Losing Yourself is available here: www.copingcourageously.com 

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Transcript

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Welcome to the Integrative Palliative Podcast. If you care for the ill or aging either at work or at home, this podcast is for you. You'll get plenty of tips for how to help care for the ill person and just as many tips on how to care for yourself. I'm glad you're here. Let's get started. Welcome to the Integrative Palliative Podcast. I'm Dr. Delia Kiramonte, and today we're going to talk about coping when someone important is missing from your holiday celebration. And that may be because they've died, it may be because they're unable to join you this year. It may be because there's a family conflict. And whatever the reason, that can be a really difficult thing to cope with. And since Thanksgiving is coming up, I thought this was an important topic for us to cover. The first thing that I just think is important to do is to acknowledge that this is hard, that holidays can amplify our grief around losing someone, because the holidays often symbolize togetherness and connection and family. And so it can be even more painful when somebody is missing, someone that you wish that you were still connected to, or someone that has passed that you wish were still with you. So the holidays really kind of amplify the grief that you might be feeling anyway. And the other reason it's really hard around the holidays is that rituals and traditions make up the fabric of the holiday season for many people. And those rituals may be tied up in memories that you have with this person that is not with you this year or even anymore. And so you might miss both the person, but also the engagement of the person in the traditions. And even the traditions themselves can feel like, well, should we even do the traditions? They're not the same without that person. So grief around the holidays can have an especially painful feeling. And in addition, there are societal expectations for joyfulness and family and connection. And so you may feel this pressure that you're expected to be happy, but you're not. So this kind of mix-up stuff of what the holidays feel like they're supposed to be compared to what they actually are for you this year. So we'll start talking primarily about the grief of losing a person. So someone that that is very important to you has died since the last holiday season. And so the holidays will feel very different this year if they're not there. And that can show up, of course, in how you feel, but it also can show up in your body. So grief can cause physical symptoms, things like fatigue, your appetite can be lower or higher, you may have trouble sleeping or be sleeping too much. And really the stress associated with both grief and the holiday season, and how are we going to put together a holiday celebration without this person? That can trigger your body's fight or flight response. And so you might feel more muscle tension in your shoulders and your neck. You might have headaches from that, you might feel tightness in your throat. You may have GI distress. If you have chronic pain, that may be elevated. So there's all kinds of physiologic impact that happens from stress and grief. And I think the most important thing to know about that is just that it's normal. So not to add worry to yourself about, oh my gosh, why are my headaches back? And just accept that that's that's part of the physiologic stress response. So, most importantly, what can you do? So the first thing that I think is important is to do some intentional planning. Meaning, don't just show up for your same traditions and then feel sad that they don't feel the same. Instead, think about maybe taking another look at those traditions and seeing which ones feel comforting to you right now versus which ones feel either overwhelming or especially sad because your loved one isn't here to share them. And give yourself permission to just modify your traditions or even skip them completely. So you don't have to do things this year in the same way that you've done things in the years before. It's completely fine. And it doesn't mean that if you skip things this year with a recent loss, that you won't ever come back to those traditions in the future. You might, you might not, but don't think that if you skip those traditions this year, that means that, oh, you're throwing out all of your traditions forever. No, just give yourself permission this year to just modify or skip them as feels comforting to you. And then alongside that, if you can create some new rituals, this can be a really healing experience and sort of seeing it as the next path of your life and an opportunity to change things up a little bit. And those rituals could be all kinds of things. They could be new foods that you eat or prepare as a family, new games that you play, new hikes that you take, volunteering to serve food at Thanksgiving for people who are less fortunate than you. It could be new songs that you sing. It doesn't matter what they are, but I really would encourage you if you're struggling because somebody is missing at your holiday table this year, to think about on purpose creating some brand new rituals so that you have some rituals to do that don't feel like they're missing a person. And then the last part of planning that I think is important is to plan ahead for triggers. So there may be certain situations or certain people that are gonna trigger your feelings, your difficult feelings. Maybe there's a party that you always went to with your loved one and now it would be really hard to go to that party alone, for example. So give yourself permission to make a change so you don't have to go to the party if you don't want to, or bring somebody else with you, or if you're gonna try an event but you're not sure how you're going to feel, maybe have a secret code with whoever you go with in case you need to leave. So just kind of plan ahead for what is gonna trigger you and make an intentional plan about what you will do to make yourself feel better, either by skipping it or doing it differently, or start staying for just a short amount of time, or getting support from somebody else when it's over or whatever. But just think about for yourself how are you going to feel and what can you do to help yourself feel better. Plan ahead. That's number one. Number two is I really encourage you to allow some space for grief, even though the holidays are supposed to be a quote, happy time, and you may feel like you're not supposed to allow yourself to grieve around the holidays. That's really not true, and it's really important to feel your feelings. And since the holidays are a time when grief can activate, and this can be even if you've lost somebody a year ago, even more than a year ago, it may reactivate now. And so give yourself some time and permission to grieve. So that could mean a lot of things, allowing yourself to grieve. Just allowing yourself some private time to cry. It could be journaling, it could be doing some kind of art project, it could be visiting a special place that you went to with your loved one in the past, it could be just spending time reflecting on them. But don't fall into this trap of it's the holidays and you're supposed to be happy, so you have to stuff all the negative feelings. Number three is to care for yourself on purpose. And I think that maybe the number one thing around the holidays that probably everybody should be doing is set some kind of boundaries. So you may be feeling less energetic now if there's somebody that you're missing. Your energy for celebrating may be lower. So you can decline invitations, you don't have to go to parties or events, you can delegate tasks to other people to help you with things so that you don't get super burnt out. So set boundaries that feel like they are supportive to you. Do your best also to be nice to your body. So personally, I think it can add a lot of pressure to say, and you know, make sure you get eight hours of sleep every night and eat only the healthiest foods and make sure you exercise every day. Of course, you should do all of those things. But if you're feeling depleted, it may be hard to be your best healthy self in terms of your behaviors, but at least try to think about how I can be nice to my body? Can I eat some nourishing foods today? Can I drink a little bit more water? Can I take a nap if I feel sleepy? Can I go to bed on time rather than staying up scrolling through my phone? So, you know, don't beat yourself up if you eat some cookies. It's a tough time and you don't have to be perfect. Can you be kind to your body? And then the other thing that I think is important in terms of thinking about caring for yourself is focusing on the now as much as you can. It can be easy to allow our mind to go off into the future of, oh my gosh, how will I cope with this? It's going to be so terrible. I'm going to feel awful. I'm going to hate the holidays. Maybe that might happen, but it might not happen. So as much as possible, try to redirect your mind into what's happening right now. So, what's it look like outside? What do the trees look like? What does the food smell like that you're making? How does your coffee taste? How soft is your dog or cat's fur? So when you find your mind going way back in the past or off in the future in a way that makes you feel worse, just try to redirect your mind to what's literally happening right this very moment in front of you. Number four coping strategy is to try not to hide. It can be a time where you just, you know, want to hide under the covers and you certainly don't have to be the most social of people, but I would encourage you to reach out to people who you feel are supportive, family or friends or colleagues, people who are good listeners, who care about you, even just to send a text to check in with someone or say, you know, I'm having a hard day, or can we grab coffee? I think I need to connect with somebody. And if you reach out and that person isn't as supportive as you want them to be, don't perseverate on that. Just keep looking for another person who can be there for you in the way that you want them to be. You know, I think we can learn from dogs around this. My dog, when she wants attention, she'll go to one person and try to get them to pet her. And if they don't, because they're busy or whatever, she doesn't go off and sulk, she just goes to find the next person. And if that person doesn't have time for her, she goes to look for another person. So I suggest that all of us should be like this dog, like my dog. And if you reach out to somebody and you're you're hoping for support and they don't provide it exactly the way that you want them to, don't feel like that means you don't deserve support or nobody's here for me. Instead, just move on to the next person and ask them for support. And if they don't give it exactly how you want, move on to the next person. There absolutely are people in your life who can show up for you in the way that you need. So keep reaching out until you find from people what you need. Part of the way we get out of hard times is by connecting with other people. Number five, coping strategy for when we're missing somebody at the holidays is to weave in some kind of gratitude and service into your day. Now, in no way am I saying, oh, just focus on gratitude and then you won't be sad that you're missing your person. Of course that's ridiculous. Of course you're going to miss your person, and you can still be grateful for the things in your life, you're, but that doesn't mean you're not going to miss your person. But having some kind of gratitude practice, either an intensive one that you do now and then where you fill a whole notebook page with things that you're grateful for, or a daily gratitude practice where you bring to mind three to five things that you're grateful for from that day, that can be a helpful redirection for your mind that even though it's a really hard time, there still are little flowers in the poop. There still are things in your day that are special, that are positive, that are awe-inspiring, that are touching to you. And then the other thing that I think can be helpful is little bits of acts of service. It doesn't have to be big, dramatic acts of service, but anytime we help another person, it gets us a little bit outside of ourselves. So it doesn't have to be a huge thing, but it could be just donate to a cause that is meaningful to you, or volunteer at the animal shelter, or buy somebody coffee, or even just compliment someone, a store clerk when you're checking out. Just opening up that little window of putting good into the world can help us when we're feeling stuck and sad. So weave in little bits of gratitude and service where you can. So the big picture is expect and allow and even honor mixed emotions. So make space for two different ways of being. You can both find some joy in the holidays with either old rituals or new ones, and also be sad and miss your loved one at the same time. There's space for both. And sometimes we feel like, well, I am I sad or am I joyful at the holidays? And I really encourage you just to hold out your hands in front of you and imagine that you're holding space for both ways of being. You're holding space for the joys of the holidays and you're holding space for missing your loved one. Both. Both of those states of being can be there at the same time. And they're both a part of you. And even they're both connected because you are missing this person because you love them, and what a gift it is to love someone. And also you're feeling sad for the lack of them. So both states of being are true. You're joyful and sad. You love them and you miss them. Both states of being are true, and all of those feelings are allowed and ideally are honored. Now, let's switch gears a little bit and talk instead about what if your loved one didn't die, but they just aren't going to be with you this year, and that's hard. So I'm in this situation this year. This is the first year that my two young adult children, neither one can come home. And so our holiday season will be very different this year. And so this may be the same for you. It could be that someone isn't joining your holiday celebration this year, whether because where they live or distance or circumstances or choice. And that sadness, that feeling of, oh, it's not how it's always been, that is a type of grief. And so acknowledge that this can be hard. It's okay. And you can both accept the situation and feel sad about it at the same time. So a couple strategies for coping when your loved one isn't present because they just can't be or have chosen not to be with you this year. So number one is to focus on connection with that person over their presence. So connection instead of their physical presence. So shift your mindset if you can away from they're not here, and more towards how can I connect with them in other kind of meaningful ways. So you could have a phone call, you could FaceTime, you could plan a virtual hangout, you could exchange video messages or voice notes or letters. You could take pictures of the food that you're eating even though you're in different places. You could have a video call and actually eat together over FaceTime or Zoom. Or you could organize some kind of shared activity like watching the same holiday movie at the same time while you're texting each other. So the focus here is think about not, oh no, they're not here and how sad that is, but more, okay, this is what's happening. What are other ways that we can connect? Because really the connection is the point anyway. So focus on connection over physical presence. Number two, you might choose to create a holiday package for them. So you might send them something, a box of themed stuff or snacks or decorations. Last year, actually, one of my children had COVID over Christmas and couldn't come home for Christmas. And so we sent a care package with her stocking, with the family pajamas, so that even though she was separate from the rest of us, she could still be on Christmas Day in our family pajamas. We sent some of her gifts that we could open together. So see if it's helpful to send something so that you can celebrate together a little bit, even if you're in different places. Number three, you could plan a makeup holiday. So actually, this year our young adult children have said, oh, since we can't be together for Thanksgiving, how about around Christmas we'll make a meal together? Normally we don't do that around Christmas, we do it for Thanksgiving, but we're gonna plan a makeup holiday around Christmas time. But it doesn't even have to be around another holiday. You could plan it in February, or you could plan it in the summertime, you could do Christmas in July. So we have these big societal expectations, like on this day we have to eat turkey. And you know, you you don't. Really, these are just excuses to do things together with the people that matter to us in a tradition, ritual kind of way, and we can make up our own traditions and rituals, and we can be totally outside the box. So if there are certain traditions that you like to do with certain people, but they just can't make it happen right now, pick another date, put it on everybody's calendar, and plan a makeup holiday. Next, you could try out some new traditions. You could host a little gathering for other friends who may not have family nearby. You could take a little trip or explore a holiday event. So this can be your opportunity to do things differently. And sometimes it's the attitude we bring to it rather than focusing on, oh, this is so terrible because the people can't come. We can turn it around and say, well, here's a different thing that I can do, and what are some of the joys of that thing? Maybe you can join somebody else's celebration, maybe that means you don't have to cook all the food and you won't have so many dishes to clean up. So trying to see that it isn't how it used to be, but it can be new and different and new and different can have joys as well. And those traditions, by the way, could be completely different. Like you could stay home on Thanksgiving, order pizza, read a book all day, watch Netflix shows. You do not have to eat turkey and mashed potatoes on this day just because our country tells you to. So I just really encourage you to kind of bust out the expectations and do what makes you feel good. And if what makes you feel good is not engaging in the stereotypical way, that's okay too. Completely that's okay too. And the only caveat is if you're withdrawing or pulling away from people because you're feeling depressed, for that, please do get help. Reach out to your doctor or therapist. But if if you really feel like, you know what, it would be healing to me to just be home all day and not even engage in the whole holiday thing just because the society tells me I should, if it would be healing for you to just do your own thing, then you have my permission. Please do your own thing. We do not have to do it the way society tells us we have to do it. Try, see if you can find the little flowers in the poop. What are the little joys that can come from this different way of celebrating the holidays this year? And all of this may apply to you if you yourself have somebody not coming to the holiday season. But if it doesn't apply to you, it most certainly applies to someone that you know or some of the patients that you care for. So I think it's important to have a way to support your patients and even your friends and family if they're struggling in this way. And if you know somebody who's feeling sad at the holidays because they're missing somebody, maybe invite them to your celebration. So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. As always, I'm so grateful to have you engage with me about these important ways of coping in the world when things are hard. And remember to reach out to someone that you know who may be struggling. Take care. I'll see you next time. Bye-bye. This podcast is brought to you by the Integrative Palliative Institute. Visit our website, integrativepalliative.com. There you can access physician and clinician training, well being coaching, free downloads, and other cool stuff. And feel free to connect with me on LinkedIn and share your favorite episode with a friend.